Hello, sweet baby Trash Panda angels! It’s me, Elinor Jones, and this is my column, The Trash Report, which I’ve written from the inside of a gigantic mound of blankets. My hands are wearing several pairs of gloves so typing has taken a very long time. I hope it’s worth it! I think it will be. Where else on Al Gore’s internet could you find such a gorgeous collection of links to other places on Al Gore’s internet?! Yeah, that’s what I thought!
All She Wants for Christmas Is All of Christmas
Thanksgiving is this week, which means Christmas is just around the corner. You can feel it, can’t you? All the big box stores are stocked up on their lotion sample box sets, just waiting to be grabbed at random by stressed out mothers-in-law who don’t know what else to buy you, and the 18th time you walk by those cinnamon pine cones, you say “why not?” and you buy them, and then your house smells insane for two days before your cats start licking them, and you have to look up if they’re bad for cats. And on the radio, everywhere you go, Mariah Carey is talking about what she wants for Christmas. According to the song, all she wants for Christmas is “you,” but in reality, what she wanted for Christmas was to trademark the phrase “Queen of Christmas” as well as “Christmas Princess” and “Princess Christmas,” and she was not successful. TMZ reported that fellow Christmas warbler Elizabeth Chan said that it was uncool of Mariah to try to bogart those titles because “Christmas is a season of giving, not of taking and it is wrong for an individual to attempt to own and monopolize a nickname like Queen of Christmas for the purposes of abject materialism.” Go off, Liz! I haven’t seen a response from Mariah, but I have fan-ficced this into a serious beef, so hear me out: I would like to pitch a Christmas movie to the Hallmark channel about two warring holiday songstresses who fall in love. It will be called While You Were Singing and it’ll be a hit. Call me, Hallmark!
You know who wouldn’t like my lesbian pop star holiday romance movie? Full House star Candace Cameron Bure, whose prudish sensibilities were so offended by the Hallmark channel airing LGBTQ romances that she’s working with the dumbly named “Great American Family” network to develop movies that will only portray “traditional marriages.” The backlash was swift and fierce, prompting Candace to put out a statement that said, in part: “All of you who know me know beyond question that I have great love and affection for all people. It absolutely breaks my heart that anyone would think I intentionally would want to offend and hurt anyone.” Candace is the real victim here! Her heart is broken. She’s devastated. Okay, hear me out again, Hallmark: heartbroken woman who works at a Christian television network called the Yuletide Channel struggles to find Mr. Right; this Christmas, will she fall for Ms. Right instead? The movie will be called Makin’ the Yuletide Gay and it will also be a hit. Clearly, I’ve found my next writing ventures!
Shitty Dude We Can’t Ignore, Part 1
Elon Musk is moving forward with his swift destruction of Twitter. As of this writing the site is still up, but everybody’s getting shit off their chest like the plane is going down. Sadly, nobody has told me they have a crush on me yet, so I’m hoping there’s more time. This conversation has got to feel exhausting for people who aren’t Extremely Online, but it’s really freaky for people who are Extremely Online, and need the Online to work through shit, and we’re facing the end of Online without a place to talk about it while living IRL with somebody who has a healthy relationship with their phones. Like this:
me looking at twitter: this feels like the end of toy story 3 when all the toys accepted their deaths as they approached the incinerator
my wife: what the fuck are you talking about
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) November 18, 2022
What will happen to all of my beautiful embedded tweets once the platform makes like a Tesla and explodes? I think we’re gonna find out pretty soon!
Shitty Dude We Can’t Ignore, Part 2
Disgraced former president Donald Trump announced last week his intention to seek reelection, prompting his favorite daughter Ivanka to put out an “I don’t know her” statement that she’s not touching that mess again. I always got the impression that Donald couldn’t ketchup his steak without Ivanka’s support, so I don’t see this going far.
The New York Post handled the news appropriately:
How the New York Post covered Trump’s announcement pic.twitter.com/fquH6qw2m4
— Kaitlan Collins (@kaitlancollins) November 16, 2022
Pretty much! Meanwhile, Attorney General Merrick Garland has appointed Special Counsel to oversee the investigations into Trump stealing whatever classified documents weren’t nailed down on his way out of the White House, which would be exciting if we hadn’t quite recently spent over a year with a lot of eggs in Robert Mueller‘s basket only to be very disappointed when nothing came of it. But I guess it’s better than nothing, which has been Garland’s MO the past couple of years.
Paris is hosting the Olympics in 2024 and they’ve just released a glimpse of the mascot, which is a gigantic red clitoris:
— The New York Times (@nytimes) November 14, 2022
Officially, the mascot is a phryg, which are the pointy hats the cute Frenchboys wore in Les Mis, but let’s be real: Those are clitorises. The 2024 Olympics Committee hasn’t yet released its slogan, but I anticipate it being something like “The Olympics, but Horny.”
The Goonies house in Astoria is on the market for a cool $1.65 million! This is a perfect property for somebody who wants an extremely expensive home which boasts four bedrooms, two bathrooms, and nonstop tourists stomping all over the front yard to take selfies. That is definitely how I would choose to live if I were rich! (Note to current owner: sorry for that one time I was also a tourist stomping on your front yard to take a selfie.)
One last thing: I’d like to revisit a gossip story from a couple of weeks ago, with an update: Remember how I told you that I was 100 percent certain that Brad Pitt was planting rumors that Emily Ratajkowski was into him, because no way she actually was? I now believe 100 percent that her revenge for that embarrassing story is that she’s now dating Pete Davidson, because the same day that gossip broke, Pitt is suddenly rumored to be months into a relationship with some other lady? I DO NOT BUY IT. Brad Pitt is on a reputation-rebuilding spree, and cheers to Emily for not letting him have that one. Enjoy that BDE, girl.
OKAY! That’s all for now. Have a nice holiday if you are celebrating it!